Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Finding Out Worse News

March 16th. A Monday.  A beautiful, warm, sunny, perfect day. We had our appointment. I was incredibly nervous. This time, we brought Daniel there. My reasoning was: If it were a positive appointment, he could see his baby brother or (insisted) sister. OR if the news wasn't good, he would be there to remind me of a blessing I already have.

We went in. I laid back on the table, and was hoping to see a large amount of amniotic fluid. For the week prior, I had drank so much water I was swimming in it, and stayed off of my feet, for good measure. So, she placed the probe on my belly, and the first thing I saw was a much bigger baby, and more amniotic fluid.

"There looks to be more fluid." I stated. "Yes, there is" She replied. And without even thinking, I asked: "Is there a heartbeat?"

"No, I am not seeing one"

I will go get the Dr. to confirm. She leaves the room.

I laid there in disbelief. Dennis asks: "Did she say there wasn't a heartbeat?" and I shook my head yes.

Dr. comes in and she rechecks. No heartbeat. My baby laid there lifeless. No blood flow. No beating heart. He offers some condolences. So, I sit up, and we were taken to a room to wait for our options. Options. Hmm.

And we waited and waited and waited. I could feel friends looking at their clocks waiting for an update. I am in disbelief. Crying. Praying. Thinking. It was horrible. He finally comes in, and he offers me 3 options after he gave me some "counseling" on the "why" of this happening..

Options were:
1. to wait for my body to miscarry naturally.
2. to have sugery to remove the baby.
3. to take a medicine called cytotec to kickstart a natural process.

We carefully weighed the options, I had already decided surgery was not an option, even though at the time, it seemed more appealing that I thought it might. We chose option #3. We had a trip planned at the end of the week that we really wanted to take, and I was ready to move forward.

So, we left the office. The sun felt good on my face, and we had a long road ahead.

I will post more tomorrow to tell the rest of the story.

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