Motherhood was something that I longed for in my bones. It was something that I desired more than a thirsty man trapped in a hot desert with no hope of water. It was something that I cannot describe to any other person on the planet that doesn't understand that type of longing. In May of 2010, that hope, that desire, that deep longing was quenched when I found out that we were pregnant on a Spring night around 11:35 p.m. It was a surprise. Off the radar. Honestly, it was something that I had lost hope of. It just seemed more than my body was capable of handling for some strange reason. So I was starting to accept it. My husband however, had taken A LOT longer getting sad, and mourning the loss of a bigger family than "The Maggi Two" He in fact, was just beginning the phase of sadness, literally moments before finding out that we were in fact, pregnant.
Pregnancy was one of the most joyous occasions of my lifetime. I LOVED it. I loved the way I felt. I felt so beautiful. I felt special. I felt priviledged. Loved on by God. Even loved on by my husband. Helping me out of chairs was something I hoped he would never stop doing. I loved not worrying about: "does my belly look flabby in this shirt" because I had BABY in there! It didn't matter. I loved feeling him move. Did it have some "downsides?" Yes! Of course. Rolling over in bed was a 3-step process. Getting up in the night to pee was something that I never did before, and something that I don't do after being pregnant. On the very night that we found out that we were expecting, Dennis and I got up about the same time in the night to pee, and he allowed me to go first. It was a special memory. He regarded my state, I suppose. I didn't enjoy this constant state of heart burn I expereinced. I must have consumed 2 LARGE containers of Tums, in a month. for months. Maybe that is an exxageration. Ok It is an exaggeration.
Regardless, there were discomforts. Maybe more than I can even remember. On the way home from the hospital with a 2 day old newborn in the backseat, I said to Dennis: "perhaps we should think about birth control." It was the post partum body and hormones speaking. We never did. Not once. and here we are 3 years later with no additional children.
Do I have the deep unfulfilled longings as I once did? No. Am I completely satisfied with Daniel and all of the joys (and struggles!) that it brings? Yes. It is the best. I love it and I enjoy it and I have truly grown more into a woman and more into a mother because of this. Age has done this as well I am sure.
But.. I do long. I do pray. I do want.
I want to have another child. In fact, I would LOVE to have atleast two more children. I even type that after just battling with Daniel for 20 minutes about me not putting his shoes on. So, I am not speaking out of some wonderful intoxicatingly amnesic (is that a word?) experience of having the most behaved child.
In fact, he gets more and more obstinate with each passing minute. But, I still do long. So, I thought I would put it on "paper" that I am desiring a child.
May God bless us yet again with another baby. Soon, I hope.