Thursday, May 19, 2011

A freeing article on parenting by Kevin DeYoung

This is a bit lengthy but quite good in my opinion. Enjoy!!

Does it seem like parenting has gotten more complicated? I mean, as 
far as I can tell, back in the day parents basically tried to feed 
their kids, clothe them, and keep them away from explosives. Now our 
kids have to sleep on their backs (no wait, their tummies; no never 
mind, their backs), while listening to Baby Mozart surrounded by 
scenes of Starry, Starry Night. They have to be in piano lessons 
before they are five and can’t leave the car seat until they’re about 
five foot six.
It’s all so involved. There are so many rules and expectations. Kids 
can’t even eat sugar anymore. My parents were solid as a rock but we 
still had a cupboard populated with cereal royalty like Captain 
Crunch and Count Chocula. In our house the pebbles were fruity and 
the charms were lucky. The breakfast bowl was a place for 
marshmallows, not dried camping fruit. Our milk was 2%. And 
sometimes, if we needed to take the edge off a rough morning, we’d 
tempt fate and chug a little Vitamin D.
Trial by Error
I don’t consider myself a particularly good parent. I was asked to 
speak a few years ago at some church’s conference. They wanted me to 
talk about parenting. I said I didn’t have much to say so they should 
ask someone else (which they did). My kids are probably not as crazy 
as they seem to me (at least that’s what I keep telling myself 
anyway), but if I ever write a book on parenting I’m going to call it 
The Inmates Are Running the Asylum.

There are already scores of books on parenting, many of them quite 
good. I’ve read several of them and have learned much. I really do 
believe in gospel-powered parenting and shepherding my child’s heart. 
I want conversations like this:
Me: What’s the matter son?
Child: I want that toy and he won’t give it to me!
Me: Why do you want the toy?
Child: Because it will be fun to play with.
Me: Do you think he is having fun playing with the toy right now?
Child: Yes.
Me: Would it make him sad to take the toy away?
Child: I guess so.
Me: And do you like to make your brother sad?
Child: No.
Me: You know, Jesus tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves. That 
means loving your brother the way he would want to be loved. Since 
Jesus loves us so much, we have every reason to love others–even your 
brother. Would you like to love him by letting him play with the toy 
for awhile?
Child: Yes I would daddy.

I try that. Really I do. But here’s what actually happens:

Me: What’s the matter son?
Child: I want that toy and he won’t give it to me!
Me: Why do you want the toy?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: What’s going on in your heart when you desire that toy?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: Think about it son. Use your brain. Don’t you know something?
Child: I guess I just want the toy.
Me: Obviously. But why?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: Fine. [Mental note: abandon "why" questions and skip straight to 
leading questions.] Do you think he is having fun playing with the 
toy right now?
Child: No.
Me: Really?! He’s not having fun? Then why does he want that toy in 
the first place?
Child: Because he’s mean.
Me: Have you ever considered that maybe you are being mean by trying 
to rip the toy from his quivering little hands?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: What do you know?
Child: I don’t know!
Me: Nevermind. [I wonder how my brilliant child can know absolutely 
nothing at this moment.] Well, I think taking the toy from him will 
make your brother sad. Do you like to make him sad?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: [Audible sigh.]
Child: He makes me sad all the time!
Me: Well, I’m getting sad right now with your attitude! [Pause, 
think, what would Paul Tripp do?  
Thinking . . . .thinking . . . .man, I can't stop thinking of that 
mustache. This isn't working. Let's just go right to the Jesus part.] 
You know, Jesus wants us to love each other.
Child: I don’t know.
Me: I didn’t ask you a question!
Child: [Pause.] Can I have some fruit snacks?
Me: No, you can’t have fruit snacks. We are talking about the gospel. 
Jesus loves us and died for us. He wants you to love your brother too.
Child: So?
Me: So give him the toy back!
Then I lunge for the toy and the child runs away. I tell him to come 
back here this instant and threaten to throw the toy in the trash. I 
recommit myself to turning down speaking engagements on parenting.

I want to grow as a parent–in patience and wisdom and consistency. 
But I also know that I can’t change my kids’ hearts. I am responsible 
for my heart and must be responsible to teach them the way of the 
Lord. But nothin’ guarantees nothin’. I’m just trying to be faithful, 
and then repent for all the times I’m not.

I have four kids and besides the Lord’s grace, I’m banking on the 
fact that there really are just a few non-negotiables in parenting. 
There are plenty of ways to screw up our kids, but whether they color 
during church, for example, is not one of them. There is not a 
straight line from doodling in the service as a toddler to doing meth 
as a teenager. Could it be that beyond the basics of godly parenting, 
that most of the other techniques and convictions are nibbling around 
the edges? Certainly, there are lots of ways that good parents make 
parenting a saner, more enjoyable experience, but even the kid 
addicted to Angry Birds who just downed a pack of Fun Dip and is now 
watching his third Pixar movie of the week (day?) still has a decent 
shot at not being a sociopath.

I remember years ago hearing a line from Alistair Begg, quoting 
another man, that went like this: “When I was young I had six 
theories and no kids. Now I have six kids and no theories.” I must be 
smart. It only took me four kids to run out of theories.
Getting a Few Things Right

I look back at my childhood and think, “What did my parents do 
right?” I watched too many Growing Pains reruns and played a lot of 
Super Techmo Bowl (LT could block every extra point and Christian 
Okoye was a stud). I never learned to like granola or my vegetables 
(kids, stop reading this post immediately!). But yet, I always knew 
they loved me. They made me go to church every Wednesday and twice on 
every Sunday. They made us do our homework. They laid down obvious 
rules–the kinds that keep kids from killing each other. They wouldn’t 
accept any bad language, and I didn’t hear any from them. Mom took 
care of us when we were sick. Dad told us he loved us. I never found 
porn around the house or booze or dirty secrets. We read the Bible. 
We got in trouble when we broke the rules. I don’t remember a lot of 
powerful heart-to-heart conversations. But we knew who we were, where 
we stood, and what to expect. I’d be thrilled to give my kids the same.
I worry that many young parents are a) too adamant about the 
particulars of their parenting or b) too sure that every decision 
will set their kids on an unalterable trajectory to heaven or hell. 
It’s like my secretary at the church once told me: “Most moms and 
dads think they are either the best or the worst parents in the 
world, and both are wrong.” Could it be we’ve made parenting too 
complicated? Isn’t the most important thing not what we do but who we 
are as parents? They will see our character before they remember our 
exact rules regarding television and twinkies.
I could be wrong. My kids are still young. Maybe this no-theory is a 
theory of its own. I just know that the longer I parent the more I 
want to focus on doing a few things really well, and not get too 
passionate about all the rest. I want to spend time with my kids, 
teach them the Bible, take them to church, laugh with them, cry with 
them, discipline them when they disobey, say sorry when I mess up, 
and pray like crazy. I want them to look back and think, “I’m not 
sure what my parents were doing or if they even knew what they’re 
were doing. But I always knew my parents loved me and I knew they 
loved Jesus.” Maybe it’s not that complicated after all.

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